Friendship Between Men & Women
women, there is
no friendship
possible. There is
passion, enmity,
worship, love but
no friendship’ –
Oscar Wilde. I
remember the first
time I saw this quote, I thought, ‘what is this
man on about?’ I read it again the second time,
and I began to think deeply about this topic.
From early on, I had quite a number of platonic
male friends and I did not see them any different
from my female friends. In fact, my curiosity led
me to make friends with a lot of people so I
could understand different facets of life. Although
in secondary school, I was aware of one or two
of my platonic friends who wanted something
more from me, I just couldn’t see them in that
way. I disliked the idea of moving from a
friendship into a relationship up until my twenties
when I realised that friendship is a fantastic start
for something more concrete. Although, I still
contemplate from time to time if a friendship to
relationship transition is worth it, because
relationships can go south. When it does, it is a
double loss, as you lose the friendship too.
Still, the question, “can men and women be
‘friends’?” remains unanswered. Some will argue
that it is possible for men and women to live,
work, and play together without any ulterior
motives, and I agree with that.
In fact, according to the ‘friend zone theory’ the
chances of getting romance out of the ‘friend
zone’ are very slim, and may require a divine
intervention. Others would argue that there’s a
high possibility that the platonic friendship is
merely a façade to something deeper bubbling
underneath. The fascinating thing about human
beings is that motives are hidden, and lines get
blurry… There is no black and white in life. We
speculate, we assume… we can only get the truth
if we could see through hearts. Unfortunately,
that is not possible!
Till date, attraction remains a mystery. You can
meet a stranger and fall in love suddenly but
friendships are cultivated over time, patience,
understanding and tolerance which make them
extremely special. One of the challenges we face
is that we really don’t know how to respond to
the opposite sex unless it is defined by our
society and culture as appropriate.
It is possible to love and enjoy someone as a
person, but not enough to date or marry them.
But, what does this even mean? This appears to
be the case of those who have best friends of
the opposite sex. It looks like they keep the best
part of themselves for friends, while their
partners get whatever is left. But such friendships
also bring about different expectations of how
much information should be shared, and how best
to define boundaries. Are they expected to tell
their significant other what they discuss between
them? Do they get the privilege of seeing their
best friend alone, or with their S/O? These
questions are fairly easy to answer in same sex
friendships, but it gets tricky in heterosexual
friendships. Usually, the less people are looking
for serious relationships, the easier it becomes to
navigate male –female friendships.
I investigated further into this subject, and one
guy mentioned that the only reason a man would
remain friends with a woman is a lack of
physical attraction towards her. Guys, is this
true? Another person stated that ‘Men and
women can either have a working relationship or
an intimate relationship. Friends? No. It always
gets complicated. Each gender has desires and
too often they come in conflict. In theory, they
should be able to be friends. In reality, it does
not work’. I started to reason with the first part
of the argument but then… won’t you look crazy
assuming that every man you meet outside work
wants something more from you? Please do help
me understand this. Personally, I have made it a
point of duty never to assume or misinterpret a
man’s intentions towards me. If it is not spoken,
I consider it non-existent. Or, should I be
worried?
Another opinion stated that ‘Women constantly
claim that the friendships they have with men are
platonic only because that is what they perceive
to be true, and not necessarily what the men on
the other side of this so called “friendship” truly
feel. Subconsciously, men feel it’s a waste of
time to continue to be friends with a woman
that’s not into them at some point in time
depending on their persistence and determination
and will slowly stop it if and when a better
opportunity presents itself. Furthermore, women
have this amazing ability to turn off their
attractiveness to a man’. I agree with the latter
statement.
Where things can become complex is in a single-
married heterosexual friendship. I discriminate
against married men not because I think they are
unworthy of my friendship, but out of respect
for their significant other. Similar discretion
should be applied to those in relationships as
well, although I have a friend that teases me
about making a big deal out of it. In her words
‘e don give am ring’? This translates that any
man who is without a ring is free to do
whatever he likes. Errhm, that one pass me oh. I
love my sisters but I also fear them. You can be
ordinary friends with their man, and ‘wifey to be’
can assume you are trying to replace her. Na so
person dey take chop slap or insult. Maybe not
as drastic, but you get my drift. It’s best for
your self-respect to ensure solid distance or
boundaries.
The universal right of friendship is talk, and talk
requires privacy which makes it beautiful, and also
subject to misinterpretation. Although, it is not
an expensive affair but movies like the Bestman
reinforces how quickly the lines blur. As someone
said, if your friend can sleep on the same bed
with you in a drunken state, without any sexual
advances towards you, they are really your friend.
I am not willing to experiment with that but let
me know if you do you agree with that
statement, and what your opinions are about
heterosexual friendships.
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